Unfortunately, that's not the worst part of my confession. That would be that I'm terribly, horribly shallow. I don't wish to be, but it's something I noticed and I am not proud of it. There's a child I sponsor through an organization. They send me pictures and updates as to how the child is faring.
The first child I sponsored didn't look like a little girl with unmatching clothes. She looked like a very serious child with a bad haircut and really unfortunate unmatching clothes. I remember feeling disappointed that my child wasn't cute. And I felt terrible that I had that feeling.
I've added another child to sponsor and at the time that I got her, the woman on the phone who was setting it up said, "I think this is the cutest little girl I've ever seen." My heart soared. Again, I was ashamed. Then, last week, I got an update. She's a year older and not as attractive.
That's what I thought! I couldn't believe that I have these shallow feelings that involuntarily spring up in me. How dare I be so vain. Do you hate me for thinking that? I sort of hate me for thinking that. Ugh.
It humbles me. It reminds me that these are not the important things to the heart of God. It forces me to pray, to confess, to ask for compassion, less vanity, and to see these children as God sees them.
Your honesty is one of the things I admire most about you! And I don't think that what you're feeling is necessarily superficial. When you sponsor a child, you hope that you are helping them to have a better life. If the child isn't physically attractive, life is going to be even harder for them than if they were. I think we would feel the same way about our own children. Love them without a doubt, but if life could be easier for them in any number of little ways, we'd wish that for them. Not to win beauty pageants, but to avoid the suffering that competition can bring.
ReplyDeleteThanks J. Lupe. That's a good perspective. Life is already hard without having one more obstacle. I do wish and pray for the best of each of these children. At the same time, when I received a picture of one of the updates and the little girl-growing into a young woman faced me, I was so happy to see pig tails!
DeleteLynn, if I were to confess my sins of "thoughts" on this blog, you would have to tell me to start my own. LOL. I could fill an entire page and more on these issues. It is horrible for these feeling to surface, but acknowledging that we know they are wrong, is the important part along with asking God to guide us away from these thoughts/feelings. You are an amazing person/christian and we are not supposed to be perfect, we are to strive to live Jesus-like and will never achieve perfection. That is what is so wonderful about God being a forgiving God. Believe me, my inner thoughts are most likely my worst sins.
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